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Classic Melissa... The Pain Edition

Just when I think I had run out of material for the blog my body decided to REVOLT against me and gives me plenty of blogging material for your enjoyment and trust me this story is full of tears and laughter! 

Friday morning was probably going to be the biggest day of the month (work wise) so I had my alarm set for 6 so I could get an early start on the day so I wouldn't feel rushed. My alarm went off as planned and as I turned my body to shut it off I felt as if my someone had stuck a butcher knife in my back. The pain was so severe that it went down both my legs and up my spine. I decided to lay there for ten minutes and wish the pain the away. It didn't happen. I had no choice but to try to get out of bed. I had the forethought to grab the phone by my bedside table in case something went wrong and I'm so glad I did; with tears in my eyes I swung my legs over my bed and I tried to stand on my feet just to fall to the ground in a great big mess. I then tried to get on all fours and crawl to the bathroom, who knows why I tried to get to the bathroom, I'm not sure my logic was in it's best state at this point in time but I even my knees couldn't support me either. I touched my legs with my hands and I couldn't feel my hands on my legs and that is when I made the call.

I franticly called my mom and dad and said I can't feel my legs, I need to go to the hospital! We need to go call 911. I'm sure if they weren't awake at 6 am that phone call woke them right up!   Now a little sidenote about me is that I really hate going to the doctor. My parents have to twist and beg me to go to the doctor for any kind of illness I might have so for me to call them in the morning and the first thing out of my mouth is, "I need to go to the hospital." They knew I meant business... as if the tears and the hysteria weren't enough but I digress.  

I get my parents on the phone and I tell them what is going on they tell me they are on their way but we face a big problem, which is how are they going to get into my apartment? My parents have a key but I have it dead-bolted for safety and there is no way I can just walk over and open the door; it took me an HOUR AND HALF to army crawl on the floor of my apartment to open the door for my parents. Keep in my mind while this time is ticking away all I can think about is every episode of ER and Grey's Anatomy that I have seen where they find a tumor in someone's back and then they are a goner! So you know I'm crying! In all honesty I looked like this pug. I'm not going to lie, I'm sure if it didn't happen to me it would have been hilarious! I present visual aid #1. 

Once my parents were in my apartment, had calmed me down, and called the ambulance, I started doing business. Remember by this time it was practically 8:00 am and I had meetings all day long. I was on my cell phone with work and with different title companies and clients telling them what was going on but not to fear because I had other agents that were going to be there to represent them at their closings. APPARENTLY EVEN IN A TIME OF CRISIS I AM A DAMN GOOD REALTOR. I'm just saying.  

The ambulance arrives and my mom comes into the room and tells me I have good news and bad news. I just whimper what is it? I can't be bothered by details right now because HELLO MY LEGS ARE FALLING OFF! She tells me the ambulance is here (the good news) but the EMT's are really good looking (bad news since I look like I'm homeless and I haven't even brushed my teeth). I think she was trying to make me smile and make me feel better but at that point I didn't care until they walked into my apartment and I noticed they could have won an Oscar for best looking in a movie if there was such a category! I'm completely embarrassed as they strap me onto the stretcher and away we go to the hospital. 

Twenty minutes later they are unstrapping me from the stretcher and I of course make an inappropriate comment and say, "I haven't been touched like that in a long time."  My parents are obviously not in the room with me because pain or no pain my mom would have slapped me. The EMT's just laughed out loud and said that that was a good one.  I like to think even under pressure and severe pain I bring my A game.  

The PA sees me for about 10 minutes and says oh it's just muscle spasms and wants to send me on my way. I wanted to slap him, but my doctor shows up at this point and rips him a new one and says there is no way you are discharging my patient blah blah blah she needs an MRI and all these other test and I'm whisked away.  Because seriously I can't believe he wanted to let me leave the hospital! I'm not ashamed to admit this but I had to go to the bathroom and they asked me if I could make it to the bathroom and I OPTED FOR THE BEDPAN! AGAIN I CHOSE THE BEDPAN. That is the type of pain we are talking about here and not to mention that I couldn't FEEL MY LEGS!  Most people would describe me as a religious person but during this time I'm talking I found jail-house religion.  

It all happened very fast but I go to have an MRI and the technician tells me I have seen enough of these to tell you what you have even though I'm not a doctor. I convince him to spill the beans. He tells me I have a a herniated disc and then asks me how I could have gotten it or if I have had back pain before? I said I have no idea. Then wish a straight face he asks me well do you power lift?  Now I'm lying down on a bed/ gurney/ stretcher/ whatever the hell you want to call it, so all I can do is look up at his face to see if he is serious and he is! With an equal straight face I said I'm 5'3" and weigh 130 pounds. DOES IT LOOK LIKE I POWER LIFT? I HAVE CHICKEN LEGS! (I can't believe I told the internet how much I weigh, it must be the drugs.)

So after four days in the hospital they decided against surgery for now, but they are starting me on epidural injections for the next two weeks instead and see how I do on those and hopefully my body will heal itself and I won't have to have surgery. As for now I can't drive for more then a month, I have to take a leave of absence from work for 6 weeks and I think on my first day of bed rest I have reached the end of the internet.  

This is what is going on in my spine. It doesn't look like much but when it causes you to look like the hunchback of Notre Dame trust me it will come to mean a lot to you! 

On the other hand be expecting a lot more post because now I can finish all the ones I have stock piled. None of this once a week updating thing I have been doing the past couple of months. So when you think about it my back problem really is benefiting you! THE READERS!  

Vegas in Pictures (which just means filler)

My Friend the Unknowing Celebrity Stalker

So I took a little vacation and I forgot to tell you. Sorry about that! I will tell you all about it in another post. How mysterious of me! Keeping everyone on the edge of their seats like I'm SOMEBODY! 

Anyway this post is all about my friend Emily Ann, who I never actually call Emily Ann, but she signs all her comments that way so therefore when I write about her on this blog that is how I address her. It feels so formal to call her by this especially when I usually leave voicemails on her phone it goes like this, "Hey fart bag call me back!" Yes we are middle school boys. 

Emily lives in New York and sees celebrities a lot but she knows the code and doesn't bother them, but once she is out of ear shot she calls me to tell me all about it because it is usually something hilarious. Just last week my phone rang, but I was on the other line and couldn't get to it and when I called her back the first words out of her mouth were I just ran into Josh Duhamel like body to body!  If I can remember the story correctly she was looking for her wallet or her phone when she was walking down the street and she ran into someone and she immediately looked up and said oh i'm so sorry and looked right into the face of Josh. (I feel I can call him Josh because we are obviously so close! I mean he practically grinded with my friend on public street.) Emily said he looked really tan almost orange and that they must be filming something because that is when she noticed all the trailers everywhere. I must say that is so Emily she will be lost in her own world and then look up and be OH HEY THEY ARE FILMING A MOVIE OVER HERE! Classic Emily. 

Several days after the whole Josh Duhamel incident I received a text from Emily that she had another celebrity sighting this time it was LL Cool J.  It read, took cash out of an ATM next to LL Cool J today. I think this makes my whole year!  I promptly asked if he had one pant leg up and one leg down. I need to know the details! She said no but he had all white on yellow sunglasses which i just find to be dangerous. I mean white? In NEW YORK CITY! I know I couldn't do it. 

These stories are good but none of them compare to the end all be all celebrity sighting she had in Austin back in October (I think)  in Texas of all places. She was in Austin for a work conference and staying at the four season but little did she know that she was going to see the biggest celebrity of all. Now again Emily sees celebrities all the time so I knew it had to be someone big when I heard her reaction on the phone that day.  My phone starts ringing and I see it's her and immediately greet her with warmth, "What's up slut muffin!" I am met with heavy breathing and lots of illegible talk. I drop the funny stuff and I ask her what's wrong and that's when she gets out the following; OH MY GOSH YOU WILL NEVER BELIEVE WHO I JUST SAW IN THE ELEVATOR! I SHARED SPACE WITH HIM! I BREATHED THE SAME AIR AS HIM! I MIGHT BE PREGNANT HE HAS THAT MUCH SEX APPEAL! (Now keep in mind that was all said in the high girly voice we all get when we get excited about something and our words get strung together.) Meanwhile I'm yelling  WHO WHO WHO! Finally she tells me the name of Justin Timblerlake. I don't know about you but if I shared an elevator with him I don't know if I could control myself... well him and Christian Bale. They are both in my top five, but I digress. 

After all the hyperventilating I made her tell me all the details point by point because really its like a personal encounter within the pages of UsWeekly. She was getting into the elevator when she heard this guy's voice say hold the elevator please! Emily, ever the kind southern bell that she is, did just that and who just happened to turn the corner Mr. sexy back himself. She merely did the head nod to him and he did the same; they rode down in silence together where he hopped into a waiting SUV and she went to faint. She saw him again when she was walking outside her meeting room and he was coming outside the workout room and this time he head nodded first which she took to mean will you have my babies and she said yes I will. It's really a very lovely story. 

Finding The Balance

Obviously this was supposed to post on Thursday but as always I'm running behind schedule so just humor me and read this as if i posted it on the 5th. 

Today I turn 28. Today is the year I take the steps to change careers and change my life. It all sounds so dramatic when I type it out that way and I guess in a way it is. To put it in perspective I should give you a bit of history.

I never gave my parents any trouble, I did everything I was told. I wasn't Anthony Michael Hall in Breakfast Club or anything but I was basically a good kid. I think in high school I had one beer and I shared it with four other people. I know I'm a HUGE rebel. I wasn't a nerd or anything, but I went to private school, and that wasn't really the thing to do. When I went to college I wanted to major in fine arts but my parents encouraged me to major in business, never the one to argue or disappoint I tried to find the one major in business that seemed what I wanted which ended up being marketing. My GPA only ended up being as high as it was because of all the extra curricular classes that I ended up taking.  I had to take macro economics 3 times because I just didn't understand it. I think this should have been a sign. I graduated in 2002 and not really all that happy with the degree that I had chosen.  

Looking back on it I think my parents just wanted me to make sure I would have a job after college and a business degree ensured that to them. (Which to their credit it did, not one I was happy with but that is neither here nor there) Like I have said my parents are older and to them they are from the generation where they think a profession should be a doctor, a lawyer, an engineer, and there is nothing wrong with those vocations but for me who has all this creative energy inside it's like death.  

A couple of weeks ago I approached my parents and told them I was going back to school to learn graphic design and possibly web development. You would have thought I told them I was moving to Antarctica and joining a cult. THE REACTION!  My dad immediately started spouting out questions like can you even make money off this so called graphic design! Telling me, I just don't understand it.  He then told me I should go get my masters in FINANCE! Hello, do we not remember the economics fiasco of '01? Again my parents are older and when talking to them about these things I'm talking across many generation gaps and sometimes getting my point across is so frustrating. 

To be honest I think this also came as a big shock to my parents because the job I currently hold is a great job and financially I will be taking a big pay cut when I start all over but to me it's worth it. I think it's long over due but to be honest I'm scared too. I'm going back to school. I'm also a little bit embarrassed because I'm afraid these kids are going to know more then I do and I'm not going to know something and look like a dumb ass. And also by the time everything is going to be said and done I will be 29 possibly 30 going into an entry level position probably with people younger then me as my boss just like Chandler from Friends. Scary. 

This was a big step for me to tell my parents I'm going back to school. I know what you are thinking, but you are 28! Yes, I know.  All I can say is sometimes when you have people who depend on you and this responsibility that has been on your shoulders for so long, sometimes you get treated like a child for a long time and you don't even realize that you have turned into an adult. The three of us have been this unit for so long and have been functioning this way for so long that it's hard to break this mold.

This is the first step in finding that balance I spoke of before so I can take care of my own life and not feel like I'm drowning.  

I'm embracing this change with hesitation but with eagerness too because hopefully this time next year I'm going to start looking for jobs that I really want and for the first time time not doing what is expected of me. Freeing and scary at the time. 

  

Not going to happen today

First I want to say thank you for such wonderful comments on my last post. I was sincerely touched. I can't even begin to describe the feeling that came over me when I was reading them. Thank you. 

Second I know I said that I was going to tell you the steps I was taking to accomplish this balance I am trying to achieve, but A. I'm in Las Vegas. B. It's my birthday today. C. I'm sick. D. I'm talking really sick not hang over sick. Cold. Ear ache. I wand to saw off my nose from all the sinus pressure sick. Thus the post that I had started on the plane on the way over here and was in the process of editing and putting the finishing touches on will probably be posted tomorrow when I get home. As for now I'm going to climb into bed. I have to rest up because I'm going to see this show tonight! 

The Only Child Syndrome Continued

I have touched lightly on this subject once before but I'm going to go a little bit more in depth in today's post and talk about what happens in the later years of an only child. What happens when you are the only child and your parents get older and you are the only person who is there to take care of them? The responsibility rest solely on your shoulders and sometimes it's hard to just get through the day. I never talk about this to anyone except my very close friends. I feel like I'm complaining and I don't mean to. Even writing this is hard. 

My parents had me when they were older so most of their friend's children are ten years ahead of me. My mom was 34 about to turn 35 and my dad was 38 about to turn 39. Now it doesn't seem so odd, but back then 27 years ago, it was probably the equivalent of 45 or 50. So do the math and my parents are up there in age. Anyone who has parents who are starting to go through health issues knows it can be a trying time, hopefully you have a brother a sister, a husband or a wife to help you through it. When you are an only child and you aren't married yet, you have this sense of responsibility and suddenly you become the parent. 

This is what has happened to me. 

I can't tell you exactly when it happened, when the shift occurred, but I know it has.  All of sudden the phone calls that I get  have started out with "I need you to do ..." And there is no one else to do those things but me.  In the last two years my mother has had three surgeries and while she is fine now I wish I had had someone to talk to or to help me when she came home from the hospital. That was such a trying time for our relationship. Last year my father went into the hospital for a week. It was the first time I had ever seen him sick. I had no one to talk to about it and it scared me and thats when I really felt alone and for the first time in a long time I wished I had a brother or sister to lean on. 

I want to move away from Texas again and I am slowly taking the steps to do that (details to come on Thursday) but I feel guilty because again I'm the only child and who else will help them if they need it? Sometimes I feel like crying because I think what if something happens and I'm not there. I know I can't live in a world of what ifs but this is my reality. This is what I deal with every day. I feel bad as if I am complaining and I don't mean to. I mean they are my parents. They have done so much for me how can I complain? I mean, I owe them right? They paid for my college. They took care of me! They have literally given me the world how can I not help them in any way that I can? The only answer I can give you is sometimes I feel as if I am drowning. These emotions are real and raw. 

While I am slowly figuring this out I know there has to be others out there who feel the same way I do. Who sincerely love their parents and want the best for them but at the same time need a way to find a balance. I'm trying to find this balance. 

Confused

Do you ever find yourself not liking someone and then you end up defending them? I found myself in this situation this past weekend and it felt very odd. 

There is this girl that sometimes comes around our circle of friends and to be honest she just gets on my nerves. The moment she opens her mouth I just want to put in ear plugs. I don't feel bad about this one bit. I don't think that everyone is meant to get along that is just unnatural! I'm not mean to her or anything but seriously she is just annoying. I think it's because she says gems like this, "I'M SO FAT AND I JUST HAD BURGER KING! I COULD JUST DIE!" She said this while standing up clutching her size 0 waist. In the middle of a restaurant. 

It was later on in the evening when she was going home that one of the guys noticed her walking to her car, which just so happened to be a very nice one, and he made some comment about how she just cashes the child support checks for herself. That's when I kind of lost it. Now I may have issues with this girl because she annoys the hell out of me, but I actually know her and she is a great mother She would do ANYTHING for her son. I turned on this guy so fast and kindly ripped him a new one. I told him that he has only met her ONCE and has NO IDEA what kind of mother she is so he can get off his moral high horse.  I think I went off for a good 5 minutes till I calmed down.  

I mean it really made me angry and I was surprised because I genuinely don't like this girl. 

update

I realize that last week I only posted once and this week was just a short post as well and I apologize. Right now work is kicking my butt and I'm so busy I can barely keep my head above water. This weekend I think I will finally be able to catch my breath. I am working on a post that is obscenely long (at least for me) and I promise to put it up soon. Also on a side note I went to a baby shower tonight (do you find it strange to have a shower in the middle of the week or is that just me?) and two people told me I looked skinny! I about jumped for joy because I have lost about 15 pounds and it's always nice when someone notices. (Do you get annoyed when you lose weight and no one notices?)  Wow I went on a long tangent. Um... here are some pretty pictures till my long post and to be honest I might have already posted some of these before but I'm too lazy to check. 

Jail Bait

I got hit on this weekend. BY A KID IN HIGH SCHOOL!

I volunteer with the youth at my church on Saturdays for the evening service and I really like it, but then a strange thing happened this weekend. It was the end of the youth service and my group is done (about 6 kids) and one of them asks for my phone number. I asked why he said well for prayer. I said well I can give you Kirsten's number who is youth organizer. He said I don't want her number I want your number! AND THEN HE ASKED ME HOW OLD I WAS! I told him I'm going to be 28, WHICH IS VERY CLOSE TO THIRTY!  Then I asked him how old he was to show the age difference and he said well I'm 17 1/2.  Don't you just love that he added the half.

Then he asked me if I was married! The kid would not give up. I told him it was never going to happen and to get out of here and I would see him next Saturday where I will be putting him at a table with one of our male leaders.  Needless to say I will be staying far away from this kid because I don't think he gets the hint very easily.

After I left I immediately called several of my friends and left them the following message:

"I got hit on tonight... by a kid in school.  I feel like Mary Kay Letourneau."   

True Story

Yesterday I was talking with my cousin who is HILARIOUS and she was telling me a story about her mother that I knew I had to share with the Internet. It is my duty after all.

My cousin has decided to get her family in shape so she got her mother to join a gym. They both try to go three times a week but sometimes it doesn't work out and they go separately. Last week they missed Wednesday but were picking it back up on Friday and as my cousin went to meet her mom she noticed her gym bag. It was bright yellow and in big blue letters was the word VALTREX!

My cousin screamed mother what are you doing! You can't take that bag! Where did you get that? Oh my gosh do you even know valtrex that's a prescription drug. It's used for GENITAL HERPES MOM! My aunt started laughing and said no wonder everyone was looking at me funny. She had no idea.

My cousin said we obviously have to change gyms IMMEDIATELY.